I'm Not Strong Enough

"So it came about when Moses held his hand up, that Israel prevailed, and when he let his hand down, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands were heavy. Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set. So Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword." Exodus 17:11-13

There are times when your faith just isn't enough.

I've had a number of people throughout my life where I have, with much prayer and supplication, "stood in the gap" where their faith wasn't strong enough to find the joy on the other side of their trial. Through failing and failed marriages to cancer diagnosis and the death of loved ones, there are some trials that friends go through where they just say, "God, I can't do this" and that's where I have been asked to step in and pray in faith that His will be done for them and that His truth prevail in their lives. Faith or prayer aren't my giftings but that doesn't mean that I'm not called to them for a time. And I consider it a joy and privilege to "wage war in the heavenlies" for those who I'm called to stand in faith for. But to be honest, there hadn't been a time in my life where I've felt like I've been on the other side until I found out I was pregnant with baby number 5.

I struggled so very long and hard with the thought of having another child. The next youngest was going in to kindergarten and I was getting ready to start a whole new chapter of life with my cadre of school aged kids. The jokes of "you know how that happens right?" was salt in deep wounds because of a years long struggle in my marriage. I was tired of having to care after everyone else and not having someone to care after me and I was not ready to have another child who depended solely on me without having a solid support structure because we had moved so far from those who I relied on.

I was hurt. I was in denial. I was angry.

And for nine months, I was also as honest as I could be about it all. When I was asked how I was doing, I didn't answer with a big grin and a "great!", because I couldn't. It wasn't great. It was hard. And for nine months I amassed a group of amazing people who chose to stand in my gap and believe for me that God would prevail and that His light would shine in my life again. They would check in on me and be a compassionate ear. They wouldn't preach at me about counting it all joy but would allow me my pain and then they would take it to the cross for me.

Little Bug was born in September of 2016. Even after giving birth, all I could think was that I was happy it was over. When asked if I wanted to hold her I said no, I just wanted to touch her. But after a little bit of recovery time (labor and delivery was the hardest I've ever been through) I held her and was finally at peace. And I could see that the prayers of the righteous availeth much.

Now, on the other side, I can't imagine life without Little Bug. She brought healing into those wounds in my marriage and the hubby and I understand and communicate completely differently now. We are both better parents and better spouses because of her and she has brought a new joy in to our home. I am so grateful for the people that God brought beside me. For my Aarons and Hurs who held up my arms when I was too weak. For the victory I was given because of their strength. They will forever hold a very special place in my heart.

God Cares About Twinkle Toes

(The shoes after 5 months of daily wear)

"And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you." Matthew 6:28-30

I know it seems crazy, but God spoke to me through a pair of sneakers.

For anyone who has kids, you know the frustrations of clothing and shoeing a child. At the beginning of the school year we purchased each of the children a new pair of sneakers along with their other school clothes (pretty standard for the family). Well, come November/December, only a couple months out from the beginning of school, my oldest had already put a hole in the sole of her shoe. Feeling a bit frustrated with the situation... money's tight and do I look like I'm made of new shoes?... I told my hubby we were going to need to buy Baby Bear new shoes and then quickly put it to the back of my brain (maybe not the best coping mechanism).

A couple weeks later, with no new shoes on Bear's feet, we took a trip to the thrift store in hopes of finding a couple sweaters to turn into longies for LooLoo. God instead, had me go by the shoe section. Looking at the shelves, I saw an amazing sight. A pretty much brand spankin' new pair of Sketchers brand Twinkle Toes for $5. Upon further inspection, not only did they not have skullys on them, but they had all the jewels attached, the little charms, they were the right size and my daughter loved them!!!

God was so good to remind me that not only does He know what we need, He is such a good God that he would go above and beyond the basic needs to give us what we didn't even know we wanted.